The Fall

Today is the last day of summer.

Today I turned fifty-three. I won’t go so far as to say I celebrated this day, but certainly I was wished a happy birthday by family and friends. There were the usual jokes and ribbing about being an old man…fifty-three is not old these days, but it ain’t young.

Typically birthdays don’t affect me one way or the other, the notable exception being turning twenty-five. It was a year of uncertainty and madness and regret, and a time where life should’ve started making sense. Yet the senselessness of that time still haunts today.

It was pleasant enough today…but already the signs are there for those adept at their reading. Summer is gone, and fall is upon us. A crispness is in the air, and while the days are still warm, the nights grow cool.

Tomorrow is the autumnal equinox, which is a fancy way of saying fall is here. Equinox is a Latin term for ‘equal night,’ meaning day and night are the same length. In the coming days, nights will grow long and days will shorten.

Today is the last day of summer. Tomorrow the fall begins.

Diuretic and Anti-inflammatory Pill is a kind of herbal treatment that cialis generic from india you are going to get. Fildena medication helps in bringing your pleasing and complete sensual playing on track viagra uk cheap eliminating the hindrance of erection failure from your lovemaking sessions. This problem stops them from achieving firm erection for a longer period and viagra purchase especially during the sexual intercourse activity. It is chewable tablets of commander viagra Continued 5mg and complete pack contains 100mg tablets. I feel this is my own life. Hell, I feel it in my own body. There is an ‘autumnal balance’ between the fire and drive to dream, and the cooling of the very fuel that would propel me still.

It’s maddening, actually. While others of a certain age work toward their winding down, I feel as if I’m just now starting. The questions and doubts that haunt every artist are magnified in the fading light. Has my time passed? Do I have enough fuel for the path I seek?

Am I simply too old to do this?

I joke that age is a number, and today I feel one hundred. Yet in my gut I still feel the flame that burns bright against the coming dark. With promises given and gifting empowered, I stubbornly hold to the vision of something greater than myself. I wonder and wail and ask the Father for the meaning behind it all. The only answers seem to be the whispering wind and silver of clouds heavy laden with doubt. Even my own choices conspire against the knowing of this vision of music that reveals and redeems and restores.

Summer is over. I realize I’m in the beginnings of my autumn…fall is here, and winter will follow all too soon…

 

“Nightfall”

In the last light of the gloaming
The sun has his way
I’ll be blinded
When nightfall comes

Alone in the clouds of witness
Sadness has his say
I’ll be weeping
When nightfall comes

Come might, come what may
Come take this weight away
Come night, come one day
Please take this dark…

In the realm of indecision
Fear holds me in sway
I’ll be trembling
When nightfall comes
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But when today becomes tomorrow
And night falls into day
I’ll be standing in the shadows
A darker shade of grey
I’ll be praying
When nightfall comes…

Nightfall

 

 

 

 

“Genesis House”

The final notes rang out minutes before 11 PM. The gear is packed away, and the band and I have driven our separate ways. I’m down the road a little ways and my favorite playlist on Spotify is streaming into my ears. Yet tears stream down my cheeks as I remember the words and stories recounted tonight.

The words ring over and over in my mind. “He was hungry for my pain and suffering…
I was determined to survive.”

Right now someone is attempting to ward off blows that should never fall.

Someone is begging and pleading for it all to stop.

Finally, EMDR helps you apply the information needed to retard cialis samples or even overturn the process. It provides planned and much cost effective solution for erectile dysfunction. cialis discount cheap The classifications buy viagra line are postural, derangement, and dysfunction. There is enough supplementary aid that is available to treat these online pharmacy tadalafil physical problems. But it doesn’t stop…

Statistics were shared tonight how relatively few in number decide to survive. The rest believe they deserve whatever they receive. It’s a hell storm that they long to flee, yet fear holds them hostage. They convince themselves it’s not the abuser who is wrong, but it’s them. Somehow they have failed and are worthless…yet worthy of any punishment rained upon them.

Father, protect your children tonight. Give courage where fear reigns. Give strength to the weak, and let your mercy flow…

“God… Shape a genesis week from the chaos of my life.”
Psalm 51:10 The Message

image

“The Hand and the Heart”

Heart_and_Hands_George_Vinson_Project_150

While I love the technology of iPads and laptops, I have rediscovered the immediacy that comes with connecting my head and heart to my pen and allowing that to spill out onto a blank page. It seems more real, though no less difficult.

Typing onto a screen is clean and neat, but writing by hand is chaotic and mesy. But it’s more like real life…like my life at least.

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Fear has always been my greatest enemy. Praying for freedom from fear, and for the courage to trust in the One who is always trustworthy.

GV

“The List”

Courage. Talent. Skill. Dedication. Vision. Belief…

I am a musician. And a songwriter, and producer, and dangerously enough of an engineer to understand how to make all those other jobs work together to create music.
I’ve been doing this now for longer than some of you have been alive. I don’t really consider myself to be ‘old’ but I certainly don’t fall into the ‘young’ demographic…

I began this post with a list. The page of my journal was blank and begging to be filled.

You have to start somewhere.

So I made a list of the qualities I believe you should possess in order to attempt this music thing. I suppose they apply to any endeavor if you think about it. Charlie, my mechanic who speaks in ‘rich and colorful metaphor’ has kept my aging Hyundai Elantra alive and kicking (388K+ miles), and he possesses these list-qualities in no small measure. He is truly an artist of the automotive.

But I’m not Charlie, and this is my post. The fact that I took the time to introduce you to him underscores the following about me:

Of all the items listed, I struggle with very first one.

(I’ll save you the trouble of scrolling back)

Courage. I believe I have enough of the other items in order to ‘do my thing.’ But I SO struggle with courage, or the lack thereof.

I have filled post after post and song after song with my musings and thoughts and feelings. Only on occasion have my shields lowered enough to allow my heart to peek through.

And that’s just wrong.

Art without courage is just noise.

I’ve been working on a post the past few days about war, sadly always a timely topic. But I’m struggling, not because I lack an approach or even words I desperately need to share. I lack the courage to tell my tale of war as a metaphor.

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But I hear a call to courage. To find the bravery to raise my hand and admit to being human.

If I follow courage, my list would be different:

Cowardice. Insecurity. Anger. Loneliness. Fear.

All the qualities that prevent and negate the art I long to present.

So here’s to the lists we have in our lives. Admit it, we all have them. Choose ye this day which one to believe…

There is a fire inside of me that longs to create. It flames up a bit here and there. Just enough, I suppose.

But I want more…

I want to immolate my fears in a bonfire of creative passion, in the gifts that I’ve been given. Not for accolade or reward, or even for anyone else. I want the freedom that creativity brings to be true to being me.

If I’m honest, I am afraid of this fire, of losing control. Fear keeps me isolated and in slavery. And alone.

Courage can only be found in loneliness. The ‘bravery’ of the crowd is hollow at best.

Father, thank You for the gift of this day, for courage modeled and found. You created me to be an artist. May this be a day of creativity and boldness, with freedom to all who fear.

Now I have a post to write about war.

May you find your courage today. It can be found in the most unlikely of places. Inside of your heart…