The Milestone

“The world is changed, I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air.”
(J.R.R. Tolkien)

There’s a decidedly brisk taste of the coming fall in the air this morning. A cool breeze blows as my feet pound the becoming-familiar paths of Thompsons Station Park. It carries a hint of honeysuckle…a reminder of this all too brief summer. But the cool wind promises a cold winter to come.

All seems at peace in the world.

It seems strange that just a few hours earlier I was locked in a struggle. At war…with myself. Anger and rage consumed me, so much so that my body literally shook.

I’d say that this anger was directed only at me…but I’d be forging a lie in the white-hot furnace of my heart. Oh, this rage was pointed toward me, alright. But it was also directed at God.

Was? Strike that. Make that “is.”

Before you start legal proceedings in the case of GV vs. The Almighty, I know God doesn’t deserve my ‘almighty’ wrath. Quite the contrary. He has never caused any of the trouble I’ve seen in my life.

My life. 52 years on this globe. I could express it like this:

2n + 1 + 2n + 3 = 52

This life seems like a problem to be solved. And I was never good at algebra…

Today is a milestone of sorts. 8 years ago my family moved roughly 200 miles from what had been our home for our entire life. God was calling us to Nashville, so like that we moved.

People have commented on our great faith, and how admirable this step was. I suppose. But the reality is that nothing has gone according to plan. In some cases I think that’s a good thing, because I’m worse at planning than I am at math. We’re still here and that’s an accomplishment in and of itself.

But if you solve for n in the above equation, it still leaves a question in my heart.

What am I supposed to do next?

The plans I believe so firmly to be from God just aren’t happening. I can take credit or blame for this, to be sure. But I believe God is bigger than my mistakes, and my anger, and my doubting rage.

So on this milestone day, I walk the path of this equation called my life, looking to solve for n.

God, forgive me for all my mistakes. Forgive my lack of faith and for my faithlessness. Be the God that is bigger than anything I can do or say. Thank you for your faithfulness and Grace and Mercy.

“And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see visions. (Joel 2:28 ESV)

Thank you for the gift of this day. I still believe in You. I love you…