“Change”

It’s 11:53PM. In seven minutes it will be tomorrow.

I’ve dreaded this day since a Sunday in July when I was informed that a change was coming. I’ve thought long and hard about this day. I’ve prayed and asked God for direction. For strength. For understanding…

I’ve written and posted recently about this change. Twelve hours from now I will no longer be a regular part of worship at Hunter Street. I won’t repeat the thoughts of that previous post. It doesn’t really matter the reasons for the change or whatever. I trust God enough to know there’s a reason and He knows what He’s doing…

11:58PM. Tonight, it’s just about feelings.

Sadness. Fear. Uncertainty. You see, it seems some people have this impression of me that I’m this incredible faith-filled road warrior. If I have fostered this view, please forgive me. I have tried to bring as much candor to these posts as possible, but the truth is that I am a coward. But I’m also stubborn and prideful. And those are my good qualities…

For years I ran from what is best described as ‘a calling.’ A call is to use whatever skills and abilities and gifts I’ve been given to proclaim what I’ve found to be true as a Christ-follower. That’s pretty damn scary if you ask my opinion. I’ve learned that whatever you think and plan about such a calling, you might as well chuck out the window. It won’t go as planned…

Oh it’s not really bad. Just different. Uncertain. Going from a cushy staff job at a mega church to…well, to whatever the heck it is a writer/producer/guitarist does is pretty uncertain. I’ve had soooo many people tell me how cool it must be…

This call is many things. It has moments of excitement. Of pure joy. And sheer terror. And boredom. Hours and hours and mile after mile. Glamour, thy name is indie musician…

And loneliness. Even with all the ways to stay in touch with the people you love, there are the after midnight moments when the world sleeps and you are 100 miles from your stop.

All this made the last six years at Hunter Street great. It was still 187 miles away. It still involved being away from home, and all that the road entails. But it was consistent and certain.

God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. But He didn’t call me to consistent and certain. But He has called me. Yes, I’ve run from Him. Fully clothed but naked in my fear and cowardice, that He might just consider the birds of the field more than me…

Crap. It’s 12:30AM. I got caught up in my whiny ramble and it’s tomorrow already.

I’m still scared about the future. I told you I’m a coward…

I’m still sad about not seeing my friends. This isn’t easy at all. It’s hard…

I also told you I’m stubborn. Stubborn enough to know that despite the circumstances, God IS faithful and trustworthy and merciful and loving. Despite my cowardice and faithlessness and pride and failures.

12:39AM. This post is raw and disjointed and needs editing. It needs a re-write. But that’s not gonna happen. I’ll not put a glossy sheen on my feelings this night.

It’s a fallen and naked post, but God is weaving a garment to cover my failings…to protect me from the elements sure to buffer in the days ahead.

But that’s tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow. God help me with today.

And He will…